Tuesday, August 19, 2008

my biggest vice

i suppose my biggest vice is that i stress out when i don't know EVERYTHING.  its no fun to live life on a schedule.  i know that better than anybody.  but having a schedule and a plan is so secure.

for the first time since kindergarten my days, weeks, months even years are not mapped out for me.  i feel like i am on an emotional roller coaster.  on the one hand i LOVE the freedom of being able to do pretty much what i want when i want to do it. i am having a great time meeting new people and trying new things. its amazing!!  most of the time i think i am not only ok with not jumping into my career right away, i think its a good choice.  i have been so driven and working so hard for so long, with school and dance, that i have never taken time to "stop and smell the roses"

but there is a part of me that is disappointed in myself, or maybe embarrassed.  i mean, i have graduated from college and i am still working at cinema city.  there is no reason for me to be living at home, waiting for every paycheck to get my bills paid.  up until six months ago i was so eager to "grow up" and did everything i possibly could to get to where i am as soon as possible.  now that i am here, i don't think i am quite ready to grow up after all.  i mean sure, it would be nice to be making a little more money, do something a little bit more satisfying, but i don't want to settle into monday through friday at school from 7-6 to come home and crash from exhaustion and have no motivation to have any kind of fun. does that make me immature? or is that "acting my age"? i never really knew where that line is. 

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